I’ve left talking about relationships in this ‘transitions’ series to last because I’ve been wanting to think through everything I was writing a little more to be as respectful as I can to present and past relationships. I’d like to start out by saying that my experience of relationships are MY experience. No matter how I may have interpreted certain relationships, that does not mean that that’s how other people have interpreted the same relationships. So as I talk about this major transition that happened in the last couple years for me, I hope you all keep in mind that this is from my perspective and my perspective alone. There aren’t any words I’m trying to put into anyone else’s mouths and there aren’t any other experiences that I’m trying to invalidate. Everyone’s personal experiences in relationships are completely valid and true for each one of us. I’d like us all to keep that in mind with anything that I write going forward as well.
With that being said, 2023 was a year for some big life changes that I wasn’t expecting ever to happen. I never thought that I would want to be with one person again. I never thought that I’d want to live with someone again. I never thought that I’d be able to open my heart and life the way that I have this past year again. 2022, on the other hand, was all about autonomy, freedom, and exploring myself in ways that are for another post entirely. I identified as polyamorous, realizing that my heart was very capable of loving multiple people at once and I was wanting to explore multiple different dynamics in relationships. I didn’t think that I’d ever really want to go back to monogamy because once my eyes were opened to polyamory, that seemed like the direction my heart was headed.
Once I stepped into that fully though, I realized how quickly it gets very difficult. Polyamory forces us to face our worst fears and insecurities when it comes to relationships. It forces us to learn how to communicate well and how to manage time, feelings, capacity, and so many other things. I didn’t communicate as well as I wish I had, but hindsight is always 20/20. I also hadn’t ever pushed my own capacity for romantic human interaction to the point that it was being pushed and, I’ll admit, my capacity is quite small. I’ve spent almost my whole adult life pretty much focused on talking to or dating (or being married to) one person. So throwing in even just talking to two or three people was a lot for my nervous system. On top of that, I wasn’t good at separating other people’s feelings from my own so when my partners had big feelings around me dating other people, I took it more to heart than I should have and it was really hard for me to manage my own feelings when that happened. Do I think I could ever step into a polyamorous dynamic again? I think with the right people and the right situation, I wouldn’t be opposed to it but I also think that the chances of that are pretty damn slim because of my capacity for interaction and my tendency to feel a whole lot when my person or people are feeling a whole lot. It’s been an option and something that is not off the table in my current relationship but it just doesn’t seem realistic for me with the way my heart works when it comes to empathy for my person and with my capacity for human interaction as a whole.
This brings me to 2023. At the beginning of the year, I had just started dating my partner I’m currently with. I was still dating two other people prior to the new year but those both quickly ended – one honestly and respectfully, which I’m so so grateful for after the previous year I had – and one not so well but that happens sometimes when it comes to relationships. I quickly went from dating three people to only dating one. I’ll admit – I panicked and so did she. Neither of us were expecting to get into a relationship like we did. Neither of us expected to feel the way that we did. And neither of us could have predicted what the next year would hold.
I learned SO much about myself and relationships in 2023… which is saying something because I thought that I had learned SO much in 2022. I’ll just say its been a couple years of a whole lot learning and stumbling my way through changes and feelings and growth. I can’t wait to write more on relationships and the things I’ve learned but I’ll leave that for another time. What I will write about now is that that transition from polyamory back to monogamy was actually really fucking tough when it came to my insecurities and my self worth. Something that I had actually felt pretty good about the previous year became one of my worst enemies last year. It was a strange transition of knowing and expecting my partner/s to be interested and talking to other people to knowing and trusting that my monogamous partner wasn’t doing those things. On top of that, my relationship moved much quicker than I had ever really been comfortable with before but, for some reason, I was ready and willing to feel that discomfort and work through it.
Basically, I went from 2022: identifying as polyamorous, never wanting someone to live with me again (and actually never really wanting someone in my space longer than a few days in a row again), never wanting to marry someone again, never really wanting to do life with one person again to 2023: being in a monogamous relationship, being open to this woman being in my space wayyyyy more than anyone I’d ever been with, and not being opposed to having a wife and being a wife again one day. To say that a lot changed in the last 12 to 15 months in that sense, is an understatement. To say that I was ready and willing to feel those changes is a lie. I internally fought a whole lot on all of that but hey, here I am, still alive and kicking and actually writing this out. Had you asked me if I would be here a couple years ago, I would have legitimately thought you were crazy but I’m really damn grateful that I am right here. Despite all of the struggles with every transition I’m going through right now, they all seem to be 100% worth it and so much beauty has been on the other side. I can’t wait to see where life ends up in a few years. This relationship, where I’m living, what I do for work, what I’m doing day to day, what friendships and connections are ahead of me… all of it is scary but also so damn exciting.
Talk soon,
Chelsea
CKB Coaching, LLC 