Tonight I was looking through the notes on my phone, searching for something to write about. I’ve had a rough month and haven’t managed to put words together enough in my brain to make any sense, let alone put enough together for a blog. I came across a note that I wrote in April of last year. It only had two sentences written in it, one of those sentences being: “Don’t let those demons in again.” I don’t remember exactly what I was going through at the time but I can imagine some things it might have been about. Specifics of those thoughts at the time aside, depression and anxiety are two things that I fight with daily so I imagine that that note had something to do with either or both of those. Some days are better than others but some days or weeks just pull me down to my deepest depths where those demons like to come out and play and dance with me until I’m dizzy. They like to torment me in ways that I can’t really explain with words.
I usually feel wholly alone and I usually push everyone close to me away. I’m sure I was doing it back on April 20th of last year and I’m sure that I’ve been doing that recently also. I lose sight of the fact that I have people who are there for me whether that’s my partner, my family, or my friends. Rather than reaching out to the people who love me and who have the capacity and space to be there for me, I go so far inward that I get lost. There’s only so much darkness that I can stumble through inside myself on my own before I need someone to help me light a candle so that I can find my way. We’re not meant to do this life alone. Humans are hard wired for connection and love and friendship. We’re not meant to try to do things and navigate hard feelings by ourselves. Sometimes it’s words that can help, sometimes it’s a hug, sometimes it’s just a look. This time for me, it’s been reaching out to friends, realizing that I’m not alone, having good humans in my life who validate who I am and what I stand for and what I deserve.
So in those times of spiraling or times of your mind spinning a thousand miles an hour or those times where you’re facing your demons and can’t seem to even try to fight them… remember that you’re not alone. There are people who will stand by you and people who will hold you and people who might even take a swing or two at that demon with you if you let them. Even if you don’t think that you have someone, there’s someone out there… luckily for me it was a couple of friends this time around. (Thank you from the bottom of my heart to you two today.)
But next time, it could be a friend, my partner, my parents or siblings, it could be a stranger on a plane or in a store that decides to have a random conversation with me, it could be someone I don’t even know on the internet who posts something that hits home.
This blog is a reminder to myself and to anyone out there who needs to hear it. You’re not alone. There’s someone out there who will listen or who will hold you or who will help you light the candle in that damn darkness that likes to take over from time to time. You are not alone. Please don’t forget that.
Sending love to anyone in those depths. I see you. I feel you. And know that you can get out of it.
CKB Coaching, LLC 