There are very few people out there who don’t have any insecurities. When it comes to insecurities in relationships, they can be a cause of a lot of conflict or a source of a lot of growth (or a little bit of both). Now how those insecurities are brought up and how they are received are usually the things that will predict which direction it will go.
I’ve had my fair share of both of those directions. I’ve had my share of insecurities myself and my partners having insecurities. I’ve done a good job of receiving them as well as a shit job of it and I’ve done a good job of expressing them as well as shit job of doing that also. I think the year that I was in polyamorous relationships taught me a lot on what ways I wasn’t willing to accept and what ways I was willing to accept insecurities being expressed to me and, in turn, what ways are acceptable and healthy for me to express my own as well.
I learned that I much prefer saying or having a partner say directly that there are feelings of insecurities present. I’d rather say “hey, I’m feeling insecure about x,y,z. It’s not a feeling that you can do anything about and it’s my own work to do but I want to put it out there” or “hey, I’m feeling insecure about x,y,z and it would really help me if you could do a,b,c to help reassure me”. Obviously that type of directness requires knowing that what we’re feeling is insecurity and being in a relationship that is safe and secure enough to express things like that. It requires two partners who are willing to be vulnerable and not get defensive or attack each other. It requires a relationship that has a secure attachment or at least is striving to create a space for a secure attachment to build.
In my current relationship I’ve definitely struggled with a lot of insecurities. I think that that’s due to a lot of different things like transitioning from poly relationships to a monogamous one (I continued to assume my person would want to be with other people because that’s what I had been used to for the previous year), being with a partner who had several acquaintances in her life who didn’t respect our relationship and who struggled with setting boundaries with those people for a while, being with someone who I had stronger feelings for than I had felt in a long time, among a plethora of other factors that maybe I’ll go into later in a post that Nance actually writes with me.
Because of the reasons above and several others, my anxious attachment – fear of abandonment, low self esteem, worrying that my partner doesn’t want to be with me, thinking that I’m not good enough, etc – has been something that I’ve had to do a lot of work on, with Nance’s help, for the last year and half. I’ve had to learn how to identify and express my anxious thoughts and she’s had to learn how to hear my insecurities and not let those feed into her own… and vice versa – both of us have had to put a lot of work into our attachment styles together and individually.
As time has gone on, our relationship has moved more and more toward a secure attachment – although we definitely still have plenty to work on and will continue to do so because sometimes life hits one or both of us and throws us back into old patterns (like I mentioned in the example in my last post). Getting to the point of having a secure attachment and not sliding back into my anxious or avoidant ways seems pretty impossible, but the idea of working toward and maintaining a secure attachment and learning how identify and correct when that sliding happens seems doable and manageable.
We can’t expect perfection when it comes to attachment. Maybe there are some people out there who have secure attachments with their partners 100% of the time, but that’s probably not realistic for most people out there and that’s definitely not realistic for me. Being human means being imperfect. Being human means having insecurities. It’s what we decide to do with those insecurities and how we decide to behave and what we decide to do as a result of them is what it really all comes down to.
Similar to my last post… remember to treat yourself and your partner/s with kindness when it comes to insecurities. If you’re feeling insecure yourself, think about why and where it’s coming from. Step into a conversation about it in an open way, not as an attack or in passive aggressive comments. If your partner is feeling insecure, listen with a kind ear. Don’t get defensive or feel like you have to tell them why they shouldn’t be insecure. Everyone’s feelings are valid and a result of their unique lived experiences in their lives, and also that doesn’t mean that those types of feelings can’t be reassured and eventually eased.
Relationships and relating to other humans in a healthy way takes work, self reflection, and self awareness. So keep doing the things that you need to do in order to learn how to navigate this world and relationships in the healthiest ways possible. I’m right there with you – taking the steps and doing what I can to learn how to communicate and grow in relationships as best I can.
Until next time,
Chelsea
CKB Coaching, LLC 