Being the intense, deeply feeling human that I am – I’ve always tended to be on the serious side. I’ve loved having conversations of depth with friends. And I’ve loved diving into the darkest corners of each our minds with partners, exploring each other in intense intellectual and emotional ways. That’s where I really felt that deep, deep connection with people. That’s where I’ve always thought connection only existed. Everything else felt very ‘surface’ level. If it wasn’t intense or deep, it wasn’t connective for me.
Ever since Nance and I started dating though, I’ve laughed… a lot. I’ve laughed more than I ever have before in a relationship. I’ve had more fun. I’ve been more playful. I’ve been able to lean in to this other side of me that has only ever come to the surface for what felt like brief moments before.
Now I know that my relationship with her also collided with a whole lot of unrelated healing of my inner child I’ve been doing as well. I’ve spent a lot more time around little kiddos and babies in the last few years than I ever have before. I’ve never really been a ‘kid person’. They just didn’t make sense to me – and to be honest, kids didn’t make sense to me even when I was a kid. I always preferred hanging with adults, even when I wasn’t one myself. I didn’t like to be playful when I was a kid and I didn’t particularly like being playful as an adult either. It was uncomfortable and seemed like a waste of time.
Lately though, I’ve been able to spend more time around kids and actually lean into playing more. Chasing my niece around the playground, spinning in circles with a friend’s baby girl, having Nance’s friend’s little kiddo just want to be held by me or sit in my lap and try to grab any and all jewelry I had on… all of those things used to be terrifying to me. Now, I actually think it’s kind of fun to laugh and be a kid with them.
The timing of all of this has to do with the fact that I had family and friends with little kiddos around me but also because Nance loves being around them. She’s so damn good with kids and they almost automatically love her (she very easily became the favorite aunt upon her first meeting of all of my nieces and nephew). She’s good at being goofy and playing and going into each of their little worlds with them. She’s patient and will literally dance around with kids for hours if they want her to.
Her playfulness isn’t just with littles either. Like I said, I’ve laughed and had more fun in the last year and half than I ever have before. She’s goofy and weird (I mean that in the best of ways) around me and she’s helped me feel more comfortable with that side of myself also. I didn’t even realize how uncomfortable I felt being playful until I with someone who was so damn good at it.
I always knew that ‘lightness’ was important to me in a relationship but I didn’t ever really think of that lightness as a connective experience until now. I’ve never thought that uncontrollably laughing together was something that made me feel closer to someone. I’ve more so thought of it as a break from the intense, connective stuff before we go back to more intense, connective stuff.
Learning how to move between those ‘darkest corners of our minds’ conversations and laughing together and experiencing both of those things as connective and expansive in the relationship has been one of the biggest lessons I’ve learned and continue to learn. There’s something about being light and playful in a world that just seems to be getting darker that feels freeing. And there’s something about laughing that makes even the hardest of times in our lives seem more bearable, especially when it’s with people that we love. So keep on finding reasons to laugh and play even when (or maybe especially when) you’re going through dark times.
Until next time,
Chelsea
CKB Coaching, LLC 