There was a big shift in my life this past year that I haven’t talked about much. We spent close to half of 2024 in Oregon and it was almost like my mind and body realized that this is where I belonged all along. That constant looking over my shoulder – metaphorically and physically – that I’ve done my whole adult life eased. I can’t begin to explain the difference of walking around every day in Portland and regularly seeing other people who don’t adhere to typical gender norms versus being in Phoenix and being surprised when I’ve come across anyone who looks remotely queer unless I had specifically sought that out. After I realized how drastically different and more relaxed my body felt in Portland, I started to think about all of the parts of myself that I’ve struggled to accept or, at the very least, feel comfortable with. My masculinity and androgyny tended to be at the front of my mind in Phoenix because of my discomfort in them in an environment that didn’t feel safe to be those things. But after being in Portland for several months, for once, they were at the front of my mind in a comfortable and expansive way. All of the things that I would suppress or that I’ve talked about with only a select few, became a lot more clear in the most beautiful way.
I started to think about my coaching… which, I’ll admit, I slacked on this past year. I started this blog to see what kinds of people were naturally drawn to me (and just to have an outlet to write and share without expectations) but that’s about as far as I got. I really wanted to do it, but I had a massive case of imposter syndrome with it. Never, at any point, did I think I’d actually be good at it or be competent enough to coach other people. So just like any other time in my life when I felt like I didn’t know enough to do what I wanted to do, I started to look into ways to learn and gain experience so that I do feel competent. Now… will I ever actually feel ready and competent to coach people? Probably not because that’s just how my brain works. I could be the most qualified person in the world to do something and I’d still doubt if I should really be doing it. BUT I did find a few masters programs in counseling that looked pretty amazing. The idea of going back to school, especially for a masters degree to become a counselor, felt scary as hell also though so I looked at certificate programs at that same school to help ease me into it. I saw that they had a certificate program on gender diversity and I immediately knew that that’s where I wanted to start.
I’m only one class into the eight month program but the timing of that class hit harder than I ever could have imagined. In the first class, I learned about the history of patriarchy and human diversity while being surrounded by trans peers, parents of trans kids, and other people who just wanted to learn and understand more. I learned about the erasure of gender diverse humans throughout history – FYI we’ve been here all along but have been slaughtered, forgotten, or ignored by most people. I relearned about big historical events, like the Holocaust and the Spanish invasion of America, that also targeted queer, trans, and gender nonconforming humans but we never learned about that side of history… and I have no doubt that there have been so many other sides that have been erased or forgotten or just not deemed ‘important’ enough for us to learn about in our education growing up.
Now, bring a polarized election – one that particularly demonized trans people – into the picture. To say that my blood was boiling over the things people were/are saying is an understatement. I’m just on the brink of finally realizing what it feels like to feel comfortable in my own body and I’m learning about the history of gender diverse humans and how this isn’t something new at all and ‘suddenly’ (suddenly to me but not suddenly to anyone who’s had their eyes open to this or who have been fighting their whole lives against this) it feels like trans people under attack. With the election fueling polarization and hatred, I had people I’ve considered friends post about how books about trans people should be burned, about how taking kids to pride is grooming them to be gay, I had someone I considered a second mom when I was a kid tell me that there are only two genders, that she was fighting for REAL women, that ‘trans’ people are all mentally ill, I had someone tell me that the ‘powers’ were trying to sterilize all of the creative thinkers of our world by convincing them they’re all trans, I even had gay friends and allies posting about how they’ve been waiting for this movement to cut out trans people from the queer community, among so many other things.
This next year, or four years, or all of the years for the rest of our lives more likely are going to be a fight. It’s been happening for centuries and probably wont stop for centuries either. I sure am glad that my eyes have been opened directly to the fight now though, despite the fact that it’s also made me incredibly angry at our history as humans and how we keep repeating the same violent patterns. I’m here to stand by all trans and gender diverse people out there now. I’m sorry that I haven’t stood more firmly, or even at all, up until now. You deserved better than another ignorant eye looking the other way. I’m here now to lean on, to share experiences and feelings with, to exist safely with, to be someone for other people I wish I would’ve had.
I’ll start actually taking coaching clients at some point in this next year. I’ll never be one to say that I know everything or that I know how to help everyone, but I can promise to be a safe, non-judgemental space for anyone who is trans or gender nonconforming. As I learn more, I’ll share more. If I make mistakes, I’ll admit that I have and apologize for them. I’ll continue to have difficult conversations with people who demonize our community to see if even a sliver of them is willing to try to understand or, at the very least, stay in their damn corner. No matter what though, I’m in your corner and I’m not going anywhere. I’ll hold your hand and have your back as much as I can from wherever I am. I promise, you are not alone.
Talk soon,
CKB
CKB Coaching, LLC 